Introduction
All my life I have been the Queen of self loathing. It started in elementary school when the kids called me Jello. They would sing the song as I walked down the lunch room isles. “See it wiggle see it jiggle…” Sometimes, they would even throw Jello at me! By 5th grade, I was comparing myself to every other girl in school. I didn’t notice they were 5 feet tall and I was already 5’7″ wearing a junior size 7/8. All I remember was always feeling fat. When I went to my first modeling audition at 15, they told me to get a nose job and lipo from the ribcage down and come back. I disregarded the nose job and couldn’t afford lipo at the time, but I put it on my goals of things to get done, sadly. Sick how society thinks a 15 year old girl who is 5’11” and a size 6 is in need of lipo. I did it later in life and the weight came right back on. (Note to the world! Lipo is very bad for you! Trust me I’ve done it, and your body will rebel in a bad way sooner or later!)
Weight was all I thought about, leading me to feel fat regardless of my weight. I felt fat at a “skinny as hell” size 4 and fat at a 14, and everything in between. When I got down to a size 4 for a job on FOX in 2004, I vividly remember holding the book in front of my “lard gut” as I so lovingly called it hoping no one would notice. I worried my thighs were too big in another episode. Looking back, it was MADNESS! I looked amazing. Because I live in Hollywood, even at a size 4, starving myself on 600-700 calories a day, I got the “wow you’re a…big girl” comments, followed by having them cast someone smaller. It was then that I started investigating anorexia, eating habits and metaphysical reasons for putting on weight. I knew I wouldn’t be cast as the girl next door, and I needed to be ok with being a “big girl”.
The article below is what I’ve learned and what I believe. I found with myself, self esteem was the issue. I wasn’t anorexic, thank god I didn’t have the will power for that, but I did (and still do to an extent because I live in Hollywood with women whose heads are larger than their bodies. hahaa) have a serious body image distortion problem. It’s just less as I get older.
Now in 2011, healing from a divorce that broke my heart, I can attest that low self esteem and “protecting your emotional stability” is a sure fire reason for weight gain. I gained 50 pounds in 6 months, and haven’t been able to get it off. I dieted and worked out and that damn weight stuck to me like glue for 2 ½ YEARS! Interestingly enough, now my ex and I are starting to be friends again, I am happier and moving on and Ta-daaah! I lost 4 pounds! Now, I am eating right and walking 4 or more nights a week, but I was doing that before! The difference is I’m not crying myself to sleep and hiding under a blanket all day! I’m rebuilding my self esteem and outlook on life and my body IS responding positively. After my male friends said, “Ok, you’re done being depressed already, get in the pool. No one will see you and if they do, they will see you are doing something about your extra pounds! Life goes on Malena, with or without you!”
So with great hesitation, I got off my butt, bought a suit that fit my current 191 pound body and went to the beach. Of course, I wore a long sarong because I’m still “a little heavy”, but I got out there and had fun. I watched this beautiful girl, not much smaller than me, wear a bikini and run around like it was nothing. THAT is the kind of self esteem we are working towards my friends. I am now “under construction” just like many other women. I’m not a perfect 140 lb., size 6 anymore. I’m a statistically “normal” size 12.
Learning to love myself in my current state has given me a new outlook on my own advice. Now I know my research is right. I will be reading my own intuitive advice with you and doing it. My dear friend sent me a quote today that I think is quite relevant to the subject we are talking about.
“For after years of living in a cage, a lion no longer even believes it is a lion”
Believing you ARE beautiful and worthy of happiness is 75% of it. Diet and exercise help, but if you are super stressed, and feel bad about yourself, that weight won’t come off. So, read the article and we can discuss it afterwards. After all, I am now my own guinea pig.
With love and a lighter, happier outlook,
Malena